Hola Fierce Feminina,
Do you remember those little conversation hearts with words that said: “Be Mine”, “You Rock”, “I Love You”? These candies are always my favorite part of Valentine’s Day.
Over the years, Valentine’s Day has evolved into Galantine’s Day or some other variation of showing love towards others. It seems to me that loving others seems easy. The hard part is loving yourself.
Loving yourself can be much more difficult than we realize. Especially for naturally born people pleasers like myself. We are supposed to love others like we love ourselves. However, that sometimes gets lost in translation. One way we can grow in loving ourselves is by showing ourselves self-compassion.
When I’m trying to understand a concept, I always look up the word to make sure I understand the true definition. In doing so, I discovered “compassion” means something a little different than I originally thought. The definition of compassion is the “feeling you have when confronted with another’s suffering.” Not what I thought it meant. “Compassion” is also the desire to do something about a person’s suffering.
If you go back to loving others as you love yourself then you begin to realize we have a responsibility to do something to end our own suffering, what? I was a little mind-blowing with that one.
If we apply the definition of compassion to ourselves then it means we see our suffering and we do something about it. That sounds self-explanatory, but is it?
Let’s check out the definition of Empathy. Now, empathy is a little different too. Empathy means to be aware of someone else’s emotions and try to understand them. Also, not what I thought it meant.
I have noticed it is much easier for me to have empathy for myself. I can overanalyze a situation, ruminate and make up different scenarios in my head. I can understand a thing and a situation, but then I often leave it there.
Hey, everyone, I had empathy for myself. Now what?
Compassion. After we have had empathy for ourselves, we have to take the next step. We have to do something to alleviate our suffering. That’s EMPOWERMENT! Empathy allows you to feel emotions and understand whereas compassion says ok do something about it now.
Probably not what you thought of when you thought of self-compassion. I was always under the impression it was giving yourself kindness and “unconditional positive regard.” That’s therapist talk for accepting whatever comes up and loving it anyways. But it’s not the only thing that self-compassion is all about.
It’s all about being practical. How do I show compassion to myself? Well, there was a social scientist by the name of Dr. Kristin Neff who came up with the three components of showing self-compassion (2024).
The first component is Self-Kindness, which I had always assumed was the main focus of self-compassion (Neff, 2024). However, it is showing kindness or gentleness to yourself in difficult times. I have a harsh inner critic and I regularly remind myself to talk to me like I am a five-year-old.
You wouldn’t berate or call a five-year-old mean names. No one would. Instead, when we have made a mistake, we should say to ourselves, “Oh, look at how cute you are right now, pouting.” Let’s try some self-kindness next time and then give ourselves a snack. Doesn’t that feel good.
The second component is Common Humanity. This is understanding that what you are feeling and experiencing is normal and a part of everyone’s lives (Neff, 2024). I often help clients with this by telling them that their experience is common, and they are not being signaled out by life. It helps people feel less alone and lost in their pain.
The third component is Mindfulness. Mindfulness is all about being in the present moment. It’s about not overanalyzing our situations or experience, it is about being clear and precise regarding our feelings and thoughts (Neff,2024). If we are mindful, then we are not ruminating.
Was that helpful?
Now go out there and show yourself some self-compassion!
Emotionally Strong, Fiercely Confident,
Marcie Rey Landreth, LCSW | Heart Development Strategies, LLC