Hola Fierce Friend,
I’ve been pondering this question a lot lately. How do you create the perfect people pleaser?
Easy. Grow up as a girl. Be nice. Don’t say no. Act as if your worth depends on what you do for others. Put everyone else first, and call it “love.”
That’s the formula. And most of us learned it early.
We were told that “good girls” are quiet, polite, and accommodating. That it’s better to keep the peace than to speak the truth. That a woman’s strength lies in how much she can handle. How much she can give, forgive, and endure. We learn these lessons all so well.
We didn’t choose to become people pleasers. We were trained to.
And what’s worse, we’ve learned to train each other. We tell our daughters to smile when something feels uncomfortable. We tell our friends to “be the bigger person.” (something that I hate) We tell ourselves that saying “no” is selfish.
But it’s not selfish. It’s human.
We’ve built a culture that praises women for disappearing inside other people’s needs. We celebrate exhaustion as dedication, silence as grace, and emotional labor as love.
And then we wonder why we feel lost.
People pleasing isn’t just a personal issue. It’s a collective inheritance. It’s a system that thrives when women forget their power, their agency, and their right to boundaries.
The first step to recovery isn’t rebellion. It’s recognition…then liberation. More on that another time. It’s looking in the mirror and saying, “This isn’t who I am. This is who I was told to be.”
Because once we name the pattern, we can stop feeding it.
And when one woman stops apologizing for existing, she gives permission for others to do the same. So this week, I’m inviting you to notice, gently, where people pleasing still shows up in your life.
Where do you say “yes” when your body says “no”? Where do you overextend yourself in the name of goodness?
We can change the pattern together. We can raise girls who know that kindness isn’t compliance. We can remind each other that love doesn’t mean losing yourself.
Because when women start supporting each other instead of performing for each other. That’s when everything changes.
Stay Fierce,
Marcie Rey Landreth, LCSW | Heart Development Strategies, LLC